28 March 2013

My Perfect Murder Mystery

Over Easter, my favourite TV channel UK-TV, is broadcasting wall to wall crime dramas. I've been watching enough crime dramas on TV over the years that I'm sure I could write an episode or two of a new series myself. So, let's have a go:

I don't actually have a plot yet but I certainly have the charecters needed for my police drama. My police team is headed by Chief Inspector Joe Blowe, 45 years old, 6ft tall, dark hair, unattached, a bit of a loner, not a career officer, doesn't often see eye to eye with his superior, Chief Superintendent Roger Birdwhistle.

D.C.I. Blow is ably assisted by D.S. Susie Horn, 30 years old, blonde, recently separated from her recent boyfriend and now prepared to totally emerge herself into her job as a crime fighter. Then there is young D.C. Malcolm Short, who looks like he's still in high school, a bit slow when it comes to detection, but not complaining when he is sent out to watch a phone box for hours on end, by his D.C.I. or D.S. .

How am I doing so far?

Ok, here's where you can help me. Let's write a plot.

We need a bunch of crooks. We need Crook A to commit  a murder, which we'll show with the murderer in silhuette so that the audience is unable to determine who is committing the murder but is still being drawn it to watch the drama because they want to find out what's next. We need to introduce suspemse into our show, but first we need to set the scene where a member of the public nonchalantly aproaches the murder scene, accompanied by suspense music. Must remember to contact my son-in-law, David, he is a BBC composer. Our member of the public, finds the body, preferably a spinster woman who has the ability to let out a blood-curdling scream upon finding our victim.

Ok, now we introduce our police team, who need to assemble an incident room, somwhere in a disused hall or maybe the local police station. We need a whiteboard, a few Apple computers, an A3 colour printer to print the photos of victims, suspects, crime scene etc for the whiteboard. Ah, I forgot, we need pathologist, female, brunnette, witty, single and we need to give her a bunch of sandwiches to eat during the authopsy.

We need to throw suspicion on Crook B, who has motive, opportunity, no alibi and is a nasty character. The audience will be certain he did it. Or maybe Crook C could have done it for the same reasons outlined in Crook B.

We now need to stretch the next hour with friction between the team, sexual tention between D.I. Blow and the pathologist before coming to the chase.

During the chase, we need the suspects at one stage to crawl through an internal ventilation duct, which is spottlessly clean inside, well lit and not a screw prodruding inside. We get the suspects being chased to climb up and up preferably onto a roof with no escape ladders but still able to get away somehow.

We're now into the last 15 minutes of our show. So what do you reckon? Shall we assemble the whole cast in the local pub with D.I. Blow, cleverly pointing out that Crook B could have done it, or Crook C could have done it but after some more suspense (with music) announce that it was indeed Crook A who done it. OR:

Should we catch Crook A, who has been trying hard to 'do a runner' and simply get him to confess to the murder?

Maybe you have an other ending.

Have a great Easter!


  1. Indeed that's something for me especially the pathologist who digs in the corpse while eating a yummy sandwich. I also would add an old lady, little, grey haired with a handbag and long skirt who deals with drugs (hidden in her handbag and is the supplier or mother of the suspect. The bunch of crooks turn out to be an international drug ring where also politicians are involved. We also would need several corpses one is not enough and boring.
    Drugs are necessary to keep the film industry running, that's why they haven't been legalized yet ! Maybe some shooting and lots of blood in form of ketchup. At the end the murderer was not the crook but a famous politician !
    That's my suggestion for a plot ! You should also add some close views on stomac contents.
    I think we could do the perfect film together !

    1. I like your thinking, Gattina, I like the politiian and the old lady suggestions. We'd make a good team. Move over Ruth Rendell or Linda la Plante, here come Gattina and Bill.

  2. I enjoyed your example of the sanitised version of the ventilation duct. I enjoy the 'nice' murder mysteries produced in Britain such as Midsomer Murders and Miss Marple and Poirot. They are removed from the reality of daily life or the over-grittyness of many US productions. I like my leisure time viewing to be non-challenging mentally. Life in general produces enough of that.


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